The Wisdom of Homer Simpson
Note: Ten of my all time favorite quotes are marked with ***.
Note: The episode code numbers are mentioned after quotes.
Homer: I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
[7G03]
Homer: Beer. Now there's
a temporary solution. [7G03]
Homer: You can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us. [7G03]
Homer: When will I
learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom
of a bottle, they're on TV! [7G04]
Homer: Now, remember! As
far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family. [7G04]
Homer: The code of the
schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a
man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those
different from you. Never say anything, unless you're
sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What
else...[7G05]
Homer: And there's
nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is
turned. [7G05]
Marge: Lisa, Bart, what
did you two learn in Sunday School today?
Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into
heaven.
Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible.
Who told you that?
Bart: Our teacher.
***Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those
wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones
who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
[7G07]
Bart: I was wondering.
How important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most
important thing in the world!
Bart: Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think
is pretty bad, so other kids will like you better?
Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
Bart: No.
Homer: Are you!
Bart: No!
Homer: Then run along, you little scamp! [7G07]
Homer: Operator, give me
the number for nine-one-one! [7F07]
Homer: And Lord, we are
especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest,
safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is
just a pipe dream. [7F07]
Homer: Because sometimes
the only way you can feel good about yourself is by
making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making
other people feel good about themselves! [7F08]
Homer: Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.
Flanders: Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt. [7F08]
Homer: You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ... I told you! My baby beat me up! ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. ... [7F09]
Homer: Ah, good ol'
trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. [7F10]
Homer: I want to share
something with you: The three little sentences that will
get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2:
Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I
got here. [7F11]
Homer: Dear God, just
give me one channel! [7F12]
Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
Homer: Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England. [7F12]
Marge: I thought we
agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we
haven't had a single fire.
Marge: Mmm... [7F14]
Homer: Quiet you kids.
If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch
cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college. [7F16]
Homer: Hey, just because
I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand! [7F19]
Bart: I am through with
working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before
I figured that out. [7F21]
Homer: Marge, I
can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white
shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different... [7F24]
***Homer: Oh, Marge,
cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid
drawings that give you a cheap laugh. [8F01]
Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
Homer: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal. [8F03]
Homer: Here's good news!
According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are
declining at a slower rate!
Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of
pie graphs, factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not
afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.
[8F04]
Homer: Yeah, you know,
boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just
have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
[8F04]
Bart: Hey, how come Lisa
gets a pony?
Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat.
Hee hee hee. [8F06]
Lisa: It's not our fault
our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch
an appalling amount of TV.
Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about
television. [8F10]
Homer: Your mother has
this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they
say it's okay in the bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back. [8F12]
Homer: No matter how
good you are at something, there's always about a million
people better than you. [8F13]
Homer: Well, he's got
all the money in the world, but there's one thing he
can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: [thinks] A dinosaur! [8F17]
Homer: I can't fake an
interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest
in your kooky projects.
Marge: What kooky projects?
Homer: You know, the painting class, the first aid
course, the whole Lamaze thing. [8F18]
***Homer: Marge, it
takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. [8F19]
Homer: I hate all the
programs Marge likes, but it's no big deal. You know why?
Selma: No.
Sideshow Bob: Go on.
Homer: Whenever Marge turns on one of her
"non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to
a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for
looooove. [puts his hand on Marge's lap]
Marge: [smiles, takes his hand] [8F20]
Homer: If something's
hard to do, then it's not worth doing! [8F21]
Homer: Marge, where's
that... metal deely... you use to... dig... food...
Marge: You mean, a spoon?
Homer: Yeah, yeah! [8F22]
Marge: This chair is $2
000! We could buy a whole living room set for that.
Homer: Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had
inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion,
community service, but those were dead ends! I think this
chair is the answer. [8F23]
Homer: Son, if you
really want something in this life, you have to work for
it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery
numbers. [8F24]
Marge: Homer, please
don't make me choose between my man and my God, because
you just can't win.
***Homer: There you go again, always taking someone
else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...
[9F01]
God: Thou hast forsaken
My Church!
Homer: Uh, kind-of... b-but...
God: But what!
Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my
kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about
how I'm going to Hell?
God: [pause] Hmm... You've got a point there. [9F01]
Homer: [backpedaling] No! No-no-no-no-no no! [pause] Well, yes. [9F01]
***Homer: When it comes
to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters
always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to
them, you'll get plenty back in return.
Bart: Like what?
Homer: I'll tell you when you're older. [9F02]
Homer: You know, when I
was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad
wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I
passed out and banged my head on the coffee table.
[cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories. [9F03]
Homer: If something goes
wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak
English. [9F05]
Marge: I came to see you
three times today. Twice you were sleeping, and once you
were kicking that ball of electrical tape around!
Homer: Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman
who thinks I'm lazy. I'm going to go right downstairs,
unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba... [gets into
bed] Eh, good-night. [9F05]
Homer: Son, a woman is a
lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet
tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... [spots his
can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more
like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step
over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer]
But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
[9F06]
Homer: Well, I really
should discuss this with my wife.
Salesman: [scoffs] Your wife? [cracks an imaginary whip]
Homer: What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck
just because you make that noise?
Salesman: [does it again] [and again] [and again]
Homer: [on his knees] I'll take it! [9F07]
Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
Marge: Good! [9F07]
Homer: It's not easy to
juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow
I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. [9F08]
Homer: [to Maggie] The
sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you
never say a word. [9F08]
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm
not going to die. That only happens to bad people. [9F09]
Homer: Don't worry,
Marge. America's health care system is second only to
Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of
Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live
in Paraguay! [9F09]
Homer: Donuts...is there
anything they CAN'T do? [9F10]
Lisa: What do you say to
a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all.
"I like you as a friend." "I think we
should see other people." "I don't speak
English." "I'm married to the sea."
"I don't wanna kill you, but I will." ... Six
simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn. [9F13]
Lisa: Dad, is it all
right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You _do_ mean stealing, don't
you? [9F13]
Homer: All right brain,
you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just
get me through this, and I can get back to killing you
with beer.
Homer's brain: It's a deal! [9F16]
Homer: Marge, I'm going
to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also
the food preparation. [9F20]
Bart: Dad, thanks to
television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes
ago. [Everyone laughs uproariously except Bart] No,
really, I can't! It's a serious problem. [Everyone laughs
again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too] What are
we all laughing about?
Homer: [joyously] Who cares? Anyways... [9F21]
Marge: Homer, you're
going to be famous!
Homer: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives.
I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
Marge: Hmm, have you seen Bart?: Ehh, I stuck him
somewhere. [9F21]
Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T... [1F02]
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and
your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer
kills brain cells." Now let's go back to
that...building...thingy, where our beds and TV...is.
[1F04]
Homer: Heh, heh. Lisa,
vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and
eskimos.[1F04]
Homer: Kill my boss? Do
I dare to live out the American dream? [1F04]
[Homer searches under
the couch for a peanut]
Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh, moving! Ah-ha!
Oh, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and
services. [1F06]
Homer: Huh -- wha --
Lisa! What's up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about
it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the
bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under --
Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get
the gun! [Homer runs into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be
a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!
Bart: Ahhhhhhh! [1F08]
***Homer: Aw, people can
come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14
percent of all people know that. [1F09]
Homer: Aw, Dad. You've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless. [1F09]
Lisa: It's awful being a
kid. No one listens to you.
Abe: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens
to me -- no matter how dumb my suggestions are. [1F12]
Homer: Ah, TV respects
me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me! [1F13]
Marge: I want you to
throw away these old calendars and TV Guides.
Homer: Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old
calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now,
but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV
Guides: so many memories. [1F15]
Homer: Bart! With
$10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of
useful things like...love! [1F15]
Homer: Marge, I agree
with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In
theory. [1F15]
Homer: Son, when you
participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose: it's how drunk you get. [1F15]
Homer: Kids, you tried
your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never
try. Heh heh heh -- right in the butt. That was great.
[1F16]
Homer: In America, first
you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get
the women... [1F17]
Marge: It's not like you
go to museums or read books or anything.
***Homer: You think I don't want to? It's those TV
networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show
after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than
the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty
minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me
live! [1F20]
Marge: You could take an
adult education course.
Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to
make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn
something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.
Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I
forgot how to drive? [1F20]
Homer: Marge, please,
old people don't need companionship. They need to be
isolated and studied so it can be determined what
nutrients they have that might be extracted for our
personal use. [1F21]
Homer: Television!
Teacher, mother, secret lover. [2F03]
Homer: Lisa, if the
Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's
that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil
wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such. [2F05]
Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we
_do_ believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so
much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Oh, maybe TV _is_ right. TV's _always_ right!
[2F06]
Lisa: Dad, I don't
understand. What is she saying you did?
Homer: Well, Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us
from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's
bottom?
Bart: Oh, yeah, _that_ was _brilliant_!
Homer: That's right, we _all_ thought it was hilarious.
But it turns out we were wrong: that alligator was
sexually harassing that woman. [2F06]
***Homer: Come on,
Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse
town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in
a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic
malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a
sub, a foot-long hero...I want to _live_, Marge! Won't
you let me _live_? Won't you please?! [2F08]
Homer: I've always
wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is --
and it's me. [2F09]
Homer: So here's the
deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for
anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely
no sign. [brief pause] OK, deal. In gratitude, I present
you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to
eat them for you, please give me no sign. [brief pause]
Thy will be done! [mows down] [2F10]
Homer: The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek. [2F10]
Homer: Uh, Lisa, the
whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't
_have_ to think all the time. Just like that rainforest
scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a
problem and they fixed it, didn't they? [2F11]
Marge: Homer's a very
complicated man.
Homer: [smashing a plate over his head] WRONG! [2F14]
Marge: And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now _that's_ sarcasm. [2F14]
Marge: And Bart isn't
doing very well either. He needs boundaries and
structure. There's something about flying a kite at night
that's so unwholesome.
Bart: Hello, Mother dear.
Marge: That's it: we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. In this
house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics! [2F19]
Homer: Lisa, if you
don't like your job, you don't strike: you just go in
every day and do it really half assed. That's the
American way. [2F19]
Homer: Kids, kids, kids.
As far as Daddy's concerned, you're _both_ potential
murderers. [2F20]
Homer: Marge, you being
a cop makes you the man...which makes me the woman. I
have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing
the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a
comfort thing. [2F21]
Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
Lisa: Uh huh.
Homer: Remember, honey?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman. [2F32]
Homer: Forty seconds?
But I want it now! [3F02]
Homer: Lisa honey, are
you saying you're _never_ going to eat any animal again?
What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
***Homer: Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
[3F03]
Lisa: Dad! Can't you
have some other type of party, one where you don't serve
meat?
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a
barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober!
Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here
Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. [3F03]
Homer: [reading screen]
"To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY key?
I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"],
and Pig-Up ["PGUP"]. There doesn't seem to be
any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me
thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB key]
[3F05]
Homer: The slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake? [3F05]
Homer: Marge, I'm bored.
Marge: Why don't you read something?
Homer: Because I'm trying to _reduce_ my boredom. [3F09]
Bart: These uniforms
suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last
night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck
before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that
ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening.
[hangs up] [3F10]
Homer: Well, I'm tired
of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league
bowler! [3F10]
Homer: What's the point
of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.
[3F11]
***Homer: I guess some
people never change. Or, they quickly change and then
quickly change back. [3F10]
Homer: Don't let
Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the
time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead
tomorrow. Well, goodnight. [3F12]
Lisa: Do you have any fruit?
Homer: [offers some of the donut he's eating] This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit. [3F17]
Homer: Pftt... Rules.
I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules. [3F21]
Homer: Oh, Marge. I
thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I
wanted was a club sandwitch. [3F21]
Homer: I hope I didn't
brain my damage. [3F24]
Homer: Well of course, everything looks bad if you remember it. [3F24]
Burns: I suggest you
leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or
the dog with bees in their mouths, and when they bark,
they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst.
[3F31]
Homer: Ooh, look at me!
I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from
Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by
the way: I was being sarcastic. [3F31]
Bart: Hey, Dad, can I
have a sip of your beer?
Homer: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for
daddies and kids with fake IDs. [3G01]
[Lisas saxophone has been rendered perfectly flat.]
Homer: Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves. [3G02]
Homer: Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk
with her -- during the commercial. [3G03]
Marge: Night vision
goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede
briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status
symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.
Homer: Marge, look! The world's best jacket. If I had
this, it would show everybody! Show everybody! [4F03]
Homer: You can't keep
blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
[4F04]
Marge: Homer, is this
the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van
solving mysteries. [4F04]
Homer: Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod! Oh my god! I danced with a gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. [shaking Lisa] Promise me!!
Marge: You're being ridiculous.
Homer: Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values. Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house. [4F11]
Homer: Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I? [4F12]
Homer: Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia? [4F15]
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems. [4F15]
Lisa: [wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. I was a fool to help that horrible old man!
Homer: I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone. [4F17]
Smithers: Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
Homer: I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV. [4F17]
Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God. [4F18]
Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast. [4F18]
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. [5F01]
Bart: Dad, I've got some bad news.
Homer: Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she? [5F03]
Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologise. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again. [5F03]
Homer: Facts are meaningless, you can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true![5F05]
Lovejoy: Now, even Lisa Simpson, must agree that we have witnessed a miracle.
Lisa: Hardly. Anyone could have written that.
Homer: Oh angle, listen not to this child of Satan! [5F05]
Homer: Trying is the first step towards failure. [5F06]
Homer: My campaign is a disaster, Moe. I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make them pay. [5F09]
Homer: If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car. [5F12]
Homer: Good things does not end with "ium". They end with "mania" or "teria". [5F13]
Homer: [talking about his fatness] Marge, how could you let me let myself go like this. [5F16]
Bart: Dad, wake up. [Homer was sleeping at nuclear plant.]
Homer: I'm awake. I'm awake. I'm protected member of the team. You can't fire me, I quit! Please, I have a family. [5F17]
Homer: Stupid risks make life worth living. [5F17]
Marge: Well, maybe our next anniversary will be more romantic. Aww, look, Homey, our wedding cake!
Homer: You mean there's been cake in our freezer for eleven years? Why was I not informed? [5F18]
Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No, that would make me a great father. [5F19]
Homer: The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth. [BABF01]
Homer: Well, here we
are. The whole family. All together, sharing, getting to
know each other, exchanging ideas, stories and laughs,
snuggling up, bonding together as only a tightly-knit
family can. Why, we're more than a...
Bart: Dad, you can stop now. The commercial's over. The
show's back on.
Homer: Oh. Oh, yeah. [MG02]
Homer: Good drink...
good meat... good God, let's eat! [MG07]
Marge: This should be a
time... for communication.
Homer: That's a good idea, dear. Bart, turn on the TV.
[MG07]
The quotes are property of The Simpsons. This list is compiled by Sami Karjalainen from the episodes and episode capsules