The Wisdom of Homer Simpson

Note: Ten of my all time favorite quotes are marked with ***.
Note: The episode code numbers are mentioned after quotes.

Homer: I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor. [7G03]

Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. [7G03]

Homer: You can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us. [7G03]

Homer: When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! [7G04]

Homer: Now, remember! As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family. [7G04]

Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else...[7G05]

Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned. [7G05]

Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
Bart: Our teacher.
***Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars? [7G07]

Bart: I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world!
Bart: Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad, so other kids will like you better?
Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
Bart: No.
Homer: Are you!
Bart: No!
Homer: Then run along, you little scamp! [7G07]

Homer: Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one! [7F07]

Homer: And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. [7F07]

Homer: Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves! [7F08]

Homer: Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.
Flanders: Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt. [7F08]

Homer: You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ... I told you! My baby beat me up! ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. ... [7F09]

Homer: Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. [7F10]

Homer: I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here. [7F11]

Homer: Dear God, just give me one channel! [7F12]

Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
Homer: Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England. [7F12]

Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire.
Marge: Mmm... [7F14]

Homer: Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college. [7F16]

Homer: Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand! [7F19]

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out. [7F21]

Homer: Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different... [7F24]

***Homer: Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh. [8F01]

Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
Homer: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal. [8F03]

Homer: Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!
Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine. [8F04]

Homer: Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons. [8F04]

Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee. [8F06]

Lisa: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television. [8F10]

Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back. [8F12]

Homer: No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you. [8F13]

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: [thinks] A dinosaur! [8F17]

Homer: I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
Marge: What kooky projects?
Homer: You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing. [8F18]

***Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. [8F19]

Homer: I hate all the programs Marge likes, but it's no big deal. You know why?
Selma: No.
Sideshow Bob: Go on.
Homer: Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for looooove. [puts his hand on Marge's lap]
Marge: [smiles, takes his hand] [8F20]

Homer: If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing! [8F21]

Homer: Marge, where's that... metal deely... you use to... dig... food...
Marge: You mean, a spoon?
Homer: Yeah, yeah! [8F22]

Marge: This chair is $2 000! We could buy a whole living room set for that.
Homer: Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer. [8F23]

Homer: Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. [8F24]

Marge: Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
***Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God... [9F01]

God: Thou hast forsaken My Church!
Homer: Uh, kind-of... b-but...
God: But what!
Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
God: [pause] Hmm... You've got a point there. [9F01]

Homer: [backpedaling] No! No-no-no-no-no no! [pause] Well, yes. [9F01]

***Homer: When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.
Bart: Like what?
Homer: I'll tell you when you're older. [9F02]

Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories. [9F03]

Homer: If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. [9F05]

Marge: I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping, and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around!
Homer: Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm going to go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba... [gets into bed] Eh, good-night. [9F05]

Homer: Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! [9F06]

Homer: Well, I really should discuss this with my wife.
Salesman: [scoffs] Your wife? [cracks an imaginary whip]
Homer: What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise?
Salesman: [does it again] [and again] [and again]
Homer: [on his knees] I'll take it! [9F07]

Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
Marge: Good! [9F07]

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. [9F08]

Homer: [to Maggie] The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word. [9F08]

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. [9F09]

Homer: Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay! [9F09]

Homer: there anything they CAN'T do? [9F10]

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." ... Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn. [9F13]

Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You _do_ mean stealing, don't you? [9F13]

Homer: All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
Homer's brain: It's a deal! [9F16]

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation. [9F20]

Bart: Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago. [Everyone laughs uproariously except Bart] No, really, I can't! It's a serious problem. [Everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too] What are we all laughing about?
Homer: [joyously] Who cares? Anyways... [9F21]

Marge: Homer, you're going to be famous!
Homer: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
Marge: Hmm, have you seen Bart?: Ehh, I stuck him somewhere. [9F21]

Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T... [1F02]

Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that...building...thingy, where our beds and [1F04]

Homer: Heh, heh. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.[1F04]

Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream? [1F04]

[Homer searches under the couch for a peanut]
Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh, moving! Ah-ha! Oh, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services. [1F06]

Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under --
Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! [Homer runs into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!
Bart: Ahhhhhhh! [1F08]

***Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 percent of all people know that. [1F09]

Homer: Aw, Dad. You've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless. [1F09]

Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Abe: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me -- no matter how dumb my suggestions are. [1F12]

Homer: Ah, TV respects me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me! [1F13]

Marge: I want you to throw away these old calendars and TV Guides.
Homer: Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides: so many memories. [1F15]

Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things! [1F15]

Homer: Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory. [1F15]

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. [1F15]

Homer: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Heh heh heh -- right in the butt. That was great. [1F16]

Homer: In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women... [1F17]

Marge: It's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
***Homer: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live! [1F20]

Marge: You could take an adult education course.
Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive? [1F20]

Homer: Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. [1F21]

Homer: Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover. [2F03]

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such. [2F05]

Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we _do_ believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Oh, maybe TV _is_ right. TV's _always_ right! [2F06]

Lisa: Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did?
Homer: Well, Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom?
Bart: Oh, yeah, _that_ was _brilliant_!
Homer: That's right, we _all_ thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong: that alligator was sexually harassing that woman. [2F06]

***Homer: Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to _live_, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't you please?! [2F08]

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me. [2F09]

Homer: So here's the deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. [brief pause] OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign. [brief pause] Thy will be done! [mows down] [2F10]

Homer: The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek. [2F10]

Homer: Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't _have_ to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they? [2F11]

Marge: Homer's a very complicated man.
Homer: [smashing a plate over his head] WRONG! [2F14]

Marge: And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now _that's_ sarcasm. [2F14]

Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
Bart: Hello, Mother dear.
Marge: That's it: we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics! [2F19]

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That's the American way. [2F19]

Homer: Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're _both_ potential murderers. [2F20]

Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man...which makes me the woman. I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. [2F21]

Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
Lisa: Uh huh.
Homer: Remember, honey?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman. [2F32]

Homer: Forty seconds? But I want it now! [3F02]

Homer: Lisa honey, are you saying you're _never_ going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
***Homer: Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal. [3F03]

Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. [3F03]

Homer: [reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY key? I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"]. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB key] [3F05]

Homer: The slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake? [3F05]

Homer: Marge, I'm bored.
Marge: Why don't you read something?
Homer: Because I'm trying to _reduce_ my boredom. [3F09]

Bart: These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. [hangs up] [3F10]

Homer: Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler! [3F10]

Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway. [3F11]

***Homer: I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back. [3F10]

Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight. [3F12]

Lisa: Do you have any fruit?
Homer: [offers some of the donut he's eating] This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit. [3F17]

Homer: Pftt... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules. [3F21]

Homer: Oh, Marge. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwitch. [3F21]

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage. [3F24]

Homer: Well of course, everything looks bad if you remember it. [3F24]

Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dog with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst. [3F31]

Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic. [3F31]

Bart: Hey, Dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
Homer: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs. [3G01]

[Lisas saxophone has been rendered perfectly flat.]
Homer: Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves. [3G02]

Homer: Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her -- during the commercial. [3G03]

Marge: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.
Homer: Marge, look! The world's best jacket. If I had this, it would show everybody! Show everybody! [4F03]

Homer: You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on. [4F04]

Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries. [4F04]

Homer: Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod! Oh my god! I danced with a gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. [shaking Lisa] Promise me!!
Marge: You're being ridiculous.
Homer: Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values. Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house. [4F11]

Homer: Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I? [4F12]

Homer: Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia? [4F15]

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems. [4F15]

Lisa: [wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. I was a fool to help that horrible old man!
Homer: I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone. [4F17]

Smithers: Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
Homer: I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV. [4F17]

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God. [4F18]

Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast. [4F18]

Homer: I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. [5F01]

Bart: Dad, I've got some bad news.
Homer: Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she? [5F03]

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologise. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again. [5F03]

Homer: Facts are meaningless, you can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true![5F05]

Lovejoy: Now, even Lisa Simpson, must agree that we have witnessed a miracle.
Lisa: Hardly. Anyone could have written that.
Homer: Oh angle, listen not to this child of Satan! [5F05]

Homer: Trying is the first step towards failure. [5F06]

Homer: My campaign is a disaster, Moe. I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make them pay. [5F09]

Homer: If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car. [5F12]

Homer: Good things does not end with "ium". They end with "mania" or "teria". [5F13]

Homer: [talking about his fatness] Marge, how could you let me let myself go like this. [5F16]

Bart: Dad, wake up. [Homer was sleeping at nuclear plant.]
Homer: I'm awake. I'm awake. I'm protected member of the team. You can't fire me, I quit! Please, I have a family. [5F17]

Homer: Stupid risks make life worth living. [5F17]

Marge: Well, maybe our next anniversary will be more romantic. Aww, look, Homey, our wedding cake!
Homer: You mean there's been cake in our freezer for eleven years? Why was I not informed? [5F18]

Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No, that would make me a great father. [5F19]

Homer: The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth. [BABF01]

Homer: Well, here we are. The whole family. All together, sharing, getting to know each other, exchanging ideas, stories and laughs, snuggling up, bonding together as only a tightly-knit family can. Why, we're more than a...
Bart: Dad, you can stop now. The commercial's over. The show's back on.
Homer: Oh. Oh, yeah. [MG02]

Homer: Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat! [MG07]

Marge: This should be a time... for communication.
Homer: That's a good idea, dear. Bart, turn on the TV. [MG07]

The quotes are property of The Simpsons. This list is compiled by Sami Karjalainen from the episodes and episode capsules